She tried to play me, I got all crazy and things just wasn't the same: Sentence-Word

Someone's auntie tried to boy me today!...Actually, she DID boy me! [for those who don't know 'to boy, is to disrespect' ;)]

As I proceeded to drag myself to the till point with some trainers, a swimming costume and a weird polo dress, something familiar caught my eye.....someone's auntie had picked up these brilliantly-trashy Moschino leggings I wanted!!!

So I said: "HEY - those are the leggings iiiiii wanted!" [obviously]


I stalked nearby, as you do, and watched her movements.

She look at them like,*African Voice* 'Hmmm okay....maybe these will be okay for me I'm not sure...'. [You know that face your auntie does, kinda like a fish or Ciara's dancing mouth, when she's checking out whether the real leather Fendi bag in that 'Asian man shop' is actually real....yes - because they would really sell Fendi in the 'Asian man shop'].

So these leggings are now being abusively, stretched to see if there is enough give for her auntie-legs and I'm like, "Okay this is getting too ridiculous now - she obviously does want them that much if she's pondering and stretching!"


Anyway, ignoring my shyness, I decided to SWOOP down on her like a security guard and blurted out:

"Excuse-me-are-you-buying-those-for-definite-cos-I-want-em."

If done right, it should sound like one word, 'sentence-word', here's why:

• Because it's all one word the urgency sounds intimidating your voice should be as sweet as candy


• The multi function of the 'sentence-word' means they can't get a word in edge ways and you will sound a lil crazy so it gives the impression that if they say 'oh but I really want it', you won't let it go and probably start crying whilst, slyly, taking refuge in the left leg of the leggings to wipe away the tears....


• Sentence-word all sounds more like a statement so the person usually gets confused, as to how someone could be so brass and step into their personal shopping space


• Whilst the brassiness of the opening line marinates the person's mind will wonder 'what shall I say that will make me sound non-bitchy/empathetic/genuine


• As they think about this answer they kinda forget why they wanted the item in the first place - NOW YOU'VE GOT 'EM WHERE YOU WANT 'EM!


• The person will start to feel a slight guilt for holding something that now means nothing to them because they have no valid reason for wanting to steal the retail joy from your heart. YES that is what they are now doing...they are STEALING what is rightfully yours!


• Now, as they give you a measly, indefinite answer to test whether you will leave them be, stare intensely in their eyes as if you are the human lie detector....
  
• It usually gets easier from here....they WILL hand over YOUR goods...muahaha...like taking candy from a-

Auntie: "Oh no sorry - I'm buying deesss one"

Me: "But I really want it!?" [alternate plan : Do sad-shocked face]

Auntie: "Hmph - [she does the auntie laugh where they shake off how much you want something - like when you wanted to go to that party...and they don't care who's 'child is going cos you're not GOING!]

Me: "I really do though so if you're not buying it-"

Auntie: "If I see another one [she reverses her trolley away from me] I will let you know."

Me: "Erm?!?" [I look at my friend , confused as to why auntie has walked off when I have finished what I planned to start]

Auntie: "Oh look - anoda one!"

Me: "Awww thanks!" [auntie hands over the new one she found and I continue to thank her...]

Auntie:"No - wait - is that one I gave you too small?

Me: "Huh? [auntie then takes the new one she found from my hands and throws me the one from her shopping trolley - I look at the label ] This is a size 8....[I look at the label again] So what's the one you have?

Auntie: "This is....TEN" [she tries to move swiftly from me, again!]

Me: What! [my friend laughs at me as we both realise that auntie tricked me because she saw that the new one she found and gave to me was bigger!]
Auntie: "But you are young - you got young body [she stretches the leggings with force] this is much better for you [she looks over her shoulder to reverse away from me] its much better..."

Me: "But-"

Auntie: "Ohhh alright! You wait - here - if it doesn't fit - you can have deess one okay?"

Me: "Okay....."

So she boyed me again whilst she shopped for another 15mins whilst I innocently, followed her and tried to shout out 'look at this bargain!' here and there, hoping she would see something in my hands that she liked....that didn't work. I ended up hanging around the changing rooms screwfaced: "THIS IS LONGGGGG! Why is she acting like she's trying dem on? She's got like FIFTY auntie-type clothes she's trying on and my 'young body' leggings....she's only doing this cos she can see that I wanted em!!! She's probably going to wear them for 'yam and plantain' shopping! Why is she BOYING MEEEEE! I'm soooooo-
Auntie: "HEY - You! Here take it!"[standing at the entrance of the changing rooms, with her top halfway on, she hands me the leggings and customers look confused as to why I would want what auntie has]

Trashflash:

The Moral: Sentence- word mate, sentence-word. Never fails.

By the way, I'm sorry my photos always look budget. The uni surroundings are dead and I initially took this to send to a friend as a text message haha! It looks better on the left but hey!

I got this jumper too....and the black bag hanging in the back trying to get some of my attention....I plan to pay off uni fines this week so I don't have no mo' cashmoney woes!

*I am* Hood and Laughing at my superhero/cliched poses